Something changed. I might be able to pin-point it to breaking up with Mr. Burly, but even before that I was having bad moments. As it turns out, I have gotten used to the company of another.
It may be that I just miss him. His dry sense of humor, his bright blue t-shirt, the sound of his voice, his smell.
It may be that I just miss him. His dry sense of humor, his bright blue t-shirt, the sound of his voice, his smell.
Funny, it’s the smell that gets me more than anything. When we were dating I expected it. It made me smile. Now it sneaks up on me- a moment of memory hitting me simultaneously in the back of my throat and the pit of my stomach- none of the anger, or reasons why we broke up, just that ache of being without.
Tonight, it was a sweater I was putting into the laundry- the act of pulling it from the basket seemed to dislodge just the enough of his scent to throw me, make me hurt for more… when I pulled the soft fabric to my face, that scent was impossible to find again. Gone.
As I started to put the sweater into the wash it occurred to me it was probably the last thing I had that still had him on it. It made me feel even more alone.
I have moments- more frequently than I’d like to admit, when the thought of going out with someone else makes me cringe. Not because I don’t want to spend time with someone, not because I don’t enjoy spending time with a guy and getting to know him a bit- I like that part. No, it’s because in the moments when I’m alone, when I’m not in the date that I'm left to wonder what I’m doing.
So tonight I’m not out with someone, I’m just left to my thoughts and a memory of what it would smell like if someone was there.
I looked down at the washing machine, the water- almost finished pouring in, it looked full… maybe tonight it’s too full for one more sweater... maybe tonight I need the company...
We’ll see how I feel about it tomorrow.
I have moments- more frequently than I’d like to admit, when the thought of going out with someone else makes me cringe. Not because I don’t want to spend time with someone, not because I don’t enjoy spending time with a guy and getting to know him a bit- I like that part. No, it’s because in the moments when I’m alone, when I’m not in the date that I'm left to wonder what I’m doing.
So tonight I’m not out with someone, I’m just left to my thoughts and a memory of what it would smell like if someone was there.
I looked down at the washing machine, the water- almost finished pouring in, it looked full… maybe tonight it’s too full for one more sweater... maybe tonight I need the company...
We’ll see how I feel about it tomorrow.
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Sometimes the hardest thing about saying goodbye, is after the spoken word..its the part when you have to mean it. And I have yet to meet ANYONE that meaning it was easy. I find that somethimes, lava cakes help. ;)
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